Guide for men providing care
Whether we look after our partner, child, parent, or someone else, our gender can play more of a role in our experiences as an unpaid carer than we may think. This can come from the different ways that people of all genders approach their roles as carers, and the expectations of society and our cultures when it comes to male and female stereotypes.
It is often assumed that when someone needs looking after the responsibility is taken on by a woman in their life, but statistics have shown over 40% of carers in the UK are men. As people of all genders increasingly step into caring roles, understanding the diverse experiences and unique challenges individuals might face can be helpful. A study by Kingston University found that while ‘male carers’ were committed to their role, they often felt ambivalent or guilty about asking for any help or support.
This article can help us to:
How is caring as a man any different?
The ‘caregiver’ has traditionally been seen as the woman’s role. While this is increasingly changing, men - or those of us who identify as such, who are stepping (or thrown) into caring for someone can find ourselves facing unkind and unhelpful judgements from our friends, workplace, or even ourselves. This can go hand in hand with a lack of recognition for our caring efforts.
This can lead to some of us to questioning our worth, and puts us off from reaching out. We also tend to have less of a support network in place than women, leading to feelings of loneliness or emotional overwhelm.
“I think us men are poor at being in touch with our emotions. And I still think there is a tendency to struggle with ‘pride’.”
Additionally, we might feel more of an expectation to provide financially, or bring in an income. This can be a lot of pressure to balance alongside our responsibilities with looking after someone.
Combined with stigmas around men being ‘strong’ and ‘stoic’, it can make it feel that much harder to ask for help. Or even to recognise that we might need it.
Five questions we should ask ourselves
It's easy to become so absorbed in the demands of looking after someone that our own needs and wellbeing take a backseat. The pressures of the role can lead to feelings of isolation, mental health struggles, and a loss of identity outside of caring. It’s important to regularly check in with ourselves to make sure we’re not just surviving, but also thriving. While this advice is framed for men in caring roles, it's important to note that these challenges and the need for self-care apply to all caregivers, regardless of our gender identity.
Below are five questions to help assess our emotional and mental wellbeing, see if we need more support, and work towards a healthy balance between caring and living our own lives.
Here are five check-in questions we can ask ourselves today:
1. Am I feeling isolated or lonely?
Consider whether you have a support network or if you're feeling cut off from friends, family, or social activities. Or there someone you can talk to honestly about your challenges or experiences?
2. Do I need more help to manage my caring responsibilities?
Reflect on whether you’re getting enough support - emotionally, physically, and financially. Can you introduce Alexa or Google to help with tasks that are becoming overwhelming? Or areas where outside assistance could ease the pressure?
3. How is my mental health holding up?
Check in with yourself about your emotional well-being. Are you experiencing stress, anxiety, or depression? If so, have you thought about seeking professional help, or joining a support group?
4. Am I taking care of my identity outside of being a carer?
Think about whether you’re able to maintain your career, education, hobbies, interests, and life goals. Are you able to invest in activities or relationships that give you a sense of self beyond your caring role?
5. Do I feel valued and understood?
Reflect on whether your contributions are acknowledged by those around you, including the person you care for. Are there ways to communicate your needs and feelings to ensure you feel appreciated and respected?
Asking ourselves these questions can help to step out of focussing just on what needs to be done next, and take a closer look at our situation - and our health.
Loneliness and isolation amongst men
Loneliness can be a common issue for men when we are providing care. This often comes back to unfair expectations that men should be self-reliant and emotionally in control.
It can feel less culturally acceptable to seek emotional support, express our feelings, or reach out for help. As well as impacting our mental health and sense of identity, this can lead to feelings of isolation - like we have to shoulder our responsibilities alone. This can cause feelings of isolation, and no one really knows what we are going through.
Maintaining friendships can also feel more challenging while caring. We may find that the daily demands of caring can leave little to no time for friends, or days out. Even if we do get time to see our friends, it can be harder to open up about our feelings in male dominated friendship groups. Or the experiences of being a carer might feel less respected or understood than they might be in the friendship groups of women.
It could be the case that it is our partner who nurtures our shared friendships, or provides the majority of our social interactions. So if they are the one who becomes unwell this can leave us feeling cut-off and isolated.
If we are experiencing loneliness we could try to:
-
Reach out to those already in our lives - they would likely love to hear from us
-
Recognise when we need someone to talk to
-
Search out people we can have open discussions about our experiences with
-
Join carer support networks that are welcoming to men, such as the Mobilise hub
-
Find local clubs or activities we can join through sites such as Meetup
-
Consider local faith-based communities for those of us who are religious.
-
Join virtual events that can feel less pressured, such as the Mobilise Cuppas
We can also read this article for more tips on overcoming loneliness.
Mental health
The responsibilities and pressures of looking after someone impacts the mental health of most carers. But it can have even more of an impact for us, with many struggling in silence due to perceived or unfair expectations around masculinity and emotional resilience. This can make us internalise, or ignore all together any challenges we might be experiencing.
The pressure to juggle our caring responsibilities while feeling like we need to maintain a strong, stoic exterior can lead to chronic stress, anxiety, and depression.
“I think what it is to be a man has changed much since say the 50s when it was stiff upper lip, be a strong defender and provider, and have pride. Not that these are bad in any way, but they can tip over to toxicity. Look at the landscape of men in 2024, we now have a greater acceptance of those of us who are more in touch with our feelings.”
Mental health challenges we may be facing can be made worse by the lack of recognition and support for our roles as carers. The demands on us can be underplayed by colleagues, family, or even our healthcare system - leaving us feeling undervalued and overlooked. Over time this can have a real impact on our self-esteem and sense of purpose.
The emotional toll of caring combined with the pressures to remain strong and self-sufficient, can lead to burnout. This makes the mental, emotional, and physical demands of caring feel exhausting and overwhelming - possibly resulting in us not being able to continue with caring at all.
In some extreme cases, statistics show that up to 40% of British carers experience suicidal thoughts. If we need urgent support for our mental health, we should reach out for help immediately.
To take care of our mental wellbeing we can:
-
Speak to our friends or family about it
-
Improve our resilience and wellbeing
-
Start to prioritise our own wellbeing
-
Check out male specific support organisations
Identity
Caring can have a real impact on our sense of identity. It’s a struggle balancing our roles as carers with other aspects of who we are - such as how we see ourselves, what drives us, and what we enjoy doing.
We have often been brought-up/influenced by the media to see ourselves as providers, protectors, and breadwinners. When we take on the role of a carer, it can challenge these conventional stereotypes. This shift can sometimes result in feeling like we’ve lost our sense of identity, or even our masculinity.
This identity shift is made worse by the fact that caring can become all-consuming, leaving little room for personal interests, our career, or friendships. As our time, motivations, and sense of self becomes increasingly tied to our responsibilities as a carer, it can be really challenging to maintain a sense of individuality and autonomy. This can lead to feelings of resentment, frustration, or a sense of invisibility. Like others, or ourselves, can no longer see us for who we are outside of our caring role.
Having a strong sense of who we are is vital for our wellbeing, and for satisfaction with our lives. If we feel like we are losing this, we can:
-
Speak to a friend or family member about how we feel
-
Remind ourselves that we are not “Just” a carer
-
Set goals outside of our caring role, and see what support we can bring in to make them happen
-
Start a hobby or join a local club
-
Remind ourselves of all the amazing things we are doing for the person we care for
Asking for help
We’ve discussed the pressure from society for men to be seen as self-reliant and strong. This can have a really detrimental effect on our ability to ask for help when we need it, causing us to feel like we’ve failed - which isn’t the case.
Or even to spot that we do need extra support in the first place. Our "just tough it out" mentality can make us choose to handle challenges on our own, rather than to recognise and admit that we need assistance.
"It often doesn’t even occur to me to ask for help. I feel like it’s my problem to overcome."
Men’s Health Forum found that ‘Employers and health and social care professionals need to be aware that male carers in employment are less likely to identify or describe themselves as a carer to others. Their need for support may not therefore be immediately obvious and might result in them missing out on vital help.’
The stigma associated with reaching out for support can create a significant barrier, preventing us from accessing the resources and assistance we need. And even when we do seek help, we can face additional hurdles in receiving the support we need.
A member of our community shared that on returning to work from taking two months off to care for his child who had had a stroke, he received very little support. When speaking to a female colleague from the same company who had also been off for a caring role, he found that she had been offered a phased return and emotional support that he hadn’t.
Help for our caring role often doesn’t come easily. And we can find it harder to summon the self-advocacy needed to fight for our support. We can also find services are still more tailored towards the needs of women, who have been more traditionally in the role previously.
Despite these challenges, it is crucial for us to work to find ways to ask for help. Both for our own wellbeing, and for the quality of care we provide to the person we look after.
Accessing support - whether it’s emotional, practical, or financial - can prevent burnout, reduce feelings of isolation, and improve our mental health. Enabling us to maintain a healthier balance between our caring role and other aspects of our lives. And ultimately to do a better job in providing care.
Seeking help should not be seen as a sign of weakness, but rather as a necessary step in ensuring that both us and the person they care for receive the best possible care and support.
I’ve recognised that I need help. What now?
Once we are able to accept that we need extra support in our caring role there are a number of options. We can:
-
Think about who else we could bring in to support with caring
-
Get an idea of the type of support we might be able to get with our caring role
-
Complete a carer's assessment
-
Complete a care needs assessment
-
Read our guide on help for carers
What's next?
In recognising the unique challenges we may be facing it can help us better tune in to our experiences and what support we might need.
As more of us step into the role we can each help in shaping a world where men providing care feel valued and empowered to ask for help.
To find others going through similar experiences and challenges we can join the Mobilise Hub, a dedicated space for unpaid carers in the UK.
We may also find some support in reading the experiences of other male carers:
