Overcoming loneliness as a carer

Looking after a family member or friend can be rewarding, but it can also feel incredibly isolating at times. When so much of our energy goes into looking after someone else, it’s tricky to find the time for our own social needs. It can be hard to get out of the house, or the behaviour of the person we care for can make it hard to invite people over. And when we do find time to connect, friends or family may not understand or empathise with our situation, leaving us feeling more alone than before. 

We asked carers in our community how often they feel lonely and over 80% said sometimes or always.

But there are ways we can find time for our relationships, or even create new ones. Simple changes to bring more connection into our lives. Here we will explore ten ways to combat feelings of loneliness and find more connection in our lives. We may want to skip right to the tips, or read words and experiences from other carers to show us we’re not alone in our feelings.

Why caring can feel so isolating

When we asked the community ‘What impact does your role as a carer have on your social life?’ nearly 40% shared it had a very negative impact, and another 40% shared a negative impact. This is a huge number of us struggling with balancing our relationships with our caring roles.

“My circle of real friends has shrunk. It's exhausting to socialise. No one phones me, I always have to make contact first.”

Sadly, loneliness is a common experience for unpaid carers - even when we often spend a lot of our time physically with the person we look after. Here’s why, along with some quotes from carers in the community:

“I feel lonely as being a carer can be very isolating at times, especially when you live with the person who you care for.”

It’s difficult to leave our house

It can be difficult to leave the house when looking after someone full-time, and over time, the relationships we once had may start to fade. Friends and family might stop inviting us to social events, assuming we’re too busy or unable to go. The lack of outings, casual pub or coffee meetups, or daily interactions with colleagues can shrink our world. Leaving us feeling disconnected from life beyond our caring role.

“I love my husband, but as his full-time carer, I feel like I’m losing myself. My world has become so small.”

Feeling like we can’t have people over

We may find it hard to keep on top of housework around our hundreds of other tasks, and have never-ending piles of dirty dishes or laundry around our home. Or, we may have a lot of medical equipment such as lifts and hoists, or paid carers coming in and out throughout the day. All of this can feel really ‘othering’, making us not want to invite friends over to see how different our lives are. For those who do wish to have people over, check out ten hosting tips here.

If we are only able to see friends or family away from the chaos of our homes this can make socialising extra tiring. Sometimes we need a quiet night in with friends or loved ones, rather than more stimulating outings.

Similarly, if the person we care for has become challenging or angry we might not wish to have friends over to witness it, or take on the emotional impacts of being in their company.

“My husband’s behaviour drives everyone away.”

If we are at risk of abuse or neglect, or suspect someone else is, we should always report this. We can do this by contacting our local council adult social care team. Or if we are worried about a child we should contact our local council children's services team. There will be contact details on our local council website, just search "report a concern". We can find our local council here.

Lack of understanding 

We also asked the community if they often find it difficult to talk to others about the caring part of our lives, and over 80% shared they did. Friends and family may not fully grasp the realities of what it is like looking after someone else, and this can create a divide that grows over time. 

Friends we used to feel understood by may assume that caring is simply a case of “helping out” or “being there” for a loved one, without realising the full extent of the emotional, physical, and mental strain involved.

Plans that seem straightforward to others - like meeting for coffee or going out - can feel impossible for us. Every outing needing careful coordination, and often energy levels we simply don’t have.

“People don’t understand that I can’t just drop everything to meet up. Plans are never simple for me.”

This lack of understanding can lead to well-meaning but frustrating comments, such as “Why don’t you just get someone to help?” or “You need to take a break,” as if these solutions are easily in reach.

“It’s difficult to make any real connections with others when you’re a full-time carer. It’s only other carers that really understand.”

This can feel particularly difficult for young adult carers. If our friends are all out  partying the night away,  moving out to go to university, or starting a new chapter in their lives it can feel like they are living an entirely different experience to us. We can find support for young adult carers here.

Lack of intimacy 

The loneliness we might experience isn’t always just about physical isolation - it can be due to a lack of deep, meaningful connection. While romantic relationships may suffer from us having less time, friendships can also take a hit.

“I miss having deep conversations with friends. Most of my interactions now are about care routines and medical needs.”

Hugs and simple gestures of affection may also become rarer. We are all hardwired for connection. When those moments of closeness start to disappear, it can have a real impact on our well-being.

"Pre Covid I was a big hugger, during Covid I had to be more careful and that's left me not as comfortable with close contact with others outside our home...I've noticed I don't initiate the hugs as much."

We may also find our partnership has changed since we started looking after someone. Especially for those of us caring for our partner, where the dynamic shifts from companionship to carer. 

“After a stroke my husband lost his ability to speak. This is really the worst thing. We have spent decades talking to each other and were perhaps too fond of our own company. I have friends who keep in touch, but the day to day is a lonely place.”

No space in the budget for socialising

Many of us have either reduced our hours or needed to leave work altogether in order to look after our cared for. Or we might be stretching our income to cover both us and them.

This can leave little left for non-essentials such as coffee, or a meal out with friends even if we do find the time.

There’s no time for friends

Whether we are juggling work with caring or are their full time carer, looking after someone is often incredibly time consuming. Our loneliness may be coming from simply not having enough hours in a day to fit seeing friends or family on top of all of our other tasks.

Even when we do manage to step away, the mental load of caring can make it hard to truly enjoy social interactions. We may worry about what’s happening in our absence or feel guilty for taking time for ourselves. As a result, we may even find ourselves withdrawing further. Not because we want to, but because it can feel like the only option.

It’s worth remembering how vital connection is to our wellbeing. We need to care for ourselves too!

Fear of being an emotional burden 

Many of us don’t want to burden others with our struggles, leading us to keep our feelings bottled up. When friends ask how we’re doing, it’s often easier to say, “I’m fine,” rather than explain the exhaustion, frustration, or grief we may be feeling.

“It is hard to dump on people how you feel. They don't understand what it takes from you caring, and how hard it is on your mind and body.”

We may worry that if we repeatedly share our difficulties, people might grow tired of hearing about them or feel helpless in offering support. This can lead to emotional isolation. Meaning even if we do see our friends we still feel disconnected and alone.

“I don’t want to keep telling people how hard it is. I don’t want to be a downer, so I just keep it to myself.”

This may feel even more challenging for those of us who are male carers. We might feel  societal/cultural pressure to be strong and pretend to be ok. Rather than opening up about how hard we are truly finding things. We can find more support in the Guide for men providing care.

We’ve lost our confidence

Even if before taking on the role of looking after someone we were the life of the party or full of confidence, if we’ve not had the opportunity to spend time with others or get out it’s amazing how quickly feeling that feeling of ease around others can shrink.

If we’ve spent years focussing on battling for our loved one leaving us little time to exercise our "socialising muscles" we can find ourselves feeling lost when we do get to spend time with friends.

Feeling like we’ve lost parts of what made us interesting such as our passions or hobbies - our identity outside of caring - can also make it hard to know what to talk about. 

The health impacts of loneliness

Studies show that loneliness can contribute to mental and physical health issues, including depression, stress, anxiety, and even increased risk of illness.

Research found that those of us providing more than 20 hours of unpaid care per week are 96% more likely to experience poor mental health than those who don’t look after someone. 

Beyond mental health, loneliness has been associated with broader health risks, including morbidity and premature mortality. To put the impacts of loneliness into perspective, research has found that the impacts are actually equal to smoking more than 15 cigarettes a day!

Can I really change feeling lonely?

Although feeling alone or isolated isn't our fault, we do have more power to change things than we may realise. We don't have to keep feeling this way. There are things that can help,

We might want to take a moment to pause and ask ourselves some questions.

What has really resonated for me in this description of loneliness and the reasons why?

Is there something I want to change in all this?

What feels possible and what are the barriers?

What could a next helpful step look like for me?

Keep reading for suggestions from others who are caring. Remember, it's about finding what might work for us as individuals and recognising what is in our control to change. Even a small step can eventually make a big difference.

Keep reading for suggestions from others who are caring. Remember, it's about finding what might work for us as individuals and recognising what is in our control to change. Even a small step can eventually make a big difference.

10 Ways to combat loneliness

1. Find your tribe

Spaces like the Mobilise Hub offer a place to connect with fellow carers, share experiences, and get support from people who “get it.” Being part of an online community means that even in the middle of a difficult day (or night), we can log in and find understanding from others who truly understand what we are going through.

We can also join our local carer’s centre. Many communities have carer groups where people meet regularly for a cuppa and a chat. Attending a carers’ group can provide not only companionship but also valuable local information and support. 

2. Share how we really feel

Whether it’s another carer, a support worker, or a friend, having someone to openly talk to makes a difference. Being really honest about our struggles out loud can help lighten the emotional load. Speaking to someone who understands can provide reassurance that we are not alone. If we don’t feel our friends or family get it, we can turn to dedicated carers' helplines such as the NHS Carers Direct helpline, on 0300 123 1053, or turn to a peer support group. If we are struggling to deal with our emotions we may wish to read the Carers' guide to making friends with our feelings. 

3. Prioritise small social moments

While deeper connections are important, socialising doesn’t always require a big commitment.

A quick text, five-minute phone call, a walk with a friend, or a chat with a neighbour can all help to chip away at those feelings of loneliness. Even just exchanging a smile with a shop assistant or saying hello to a passerby can help us feel a little more connected to the world around us.

These small moments may seem insignificant, but they can add up over time and help our sense of belonging.

4. Create time for connection

Looking into respite care, or ways we can increase our support circle can allow us to find that all important time and energy to connect with friends or family.

While it can feel impossible, if we really look at our caring routines, set boundaries, and get more support we may find there is a way to join a weekly class, or have a regular walk with a friend. Just knowing these things are in our diary can make the hard days that much more bearable.

If we haven't done so yet, completing a Carer’s Assessment and Care Needs Assessment are great ways to see if we can get more support.

5. Get tech savvy

Video calls, voice messages, and online meetups can help us to find connection and maintain relationships at times when we’re  unable to leave the house. We may not have the energy or ability to meet friends face-to-face, but a simple video call or voice note can bridge that gap. There are so many different ways to communicate – text messages, video calls, family quizzes, social media and more.We could also look into joining virtual meetups, such as Mobilise Cuppas, or participating in online discussion groups. 

“Being a carer in a rural location, it is difficult to connect face to face with other carers.”

If we want to learn more about using different digital platforms like Zoom or WhatsApp, see if there are digital support courses in your area, or search Youtube for ‘how-to’ videos to get you started. Or check out our guide Digital Skills for Carers.

6. Tell our friends we feel lonely

It’s okay to tell friends and family when we’re feeling lonely. Opening up can lead to better understanding and support. Often, those around us may not realise how isolated we feel. Especially if we are the strong stoic type who always acts like everything is ok. By being honest, we give others the chance to offer help, make more time to stop by, or simply be there to listen. It can feel daunting, but it might make more of an impact than we expect. 

If friendships have drifted away due to the pressures of caring, reaching out with a simple message can be a good first step.

Some friends may not understand the full demands of caring, but still be eager to reconnect if given the chance. They may have noticed the growing distance between us, but not understand where it has come from. Or assumed they had done something wrong. We could try being really honest with them about the situation and let them know their companionship would mean the world to us.

For more support with making friendships work while caring, read Friendships while caring: change, hurt, and new possibilities.

7. Challenge our mindset

Loneliness can sometimes feel inescapable, but part of overcoming it means recognising the thoughts that hold us back. We may tell ourselves, “Nobody wants to spend time with me,” or, “I’m not a good friend,” but these are feelings, not facts. Looking after someone is demanding, and it’s easy to lose our confidence. But that doesn’t mean people don’t care or want to be there for us if we let them. 

Practical barriers can also seem impossible to overcome. We might think, “It’s impossible to leave the person I care for,” or, “My house is too messy for visitors.”

But are there ways to challenge these thoughts?

Could we ask a friend to visit for a cup of tea rather than worrying about going out? Will they really care if our house is a mess - or is that judgement coming from ourselves?

“After my Mum broke her back I had my hands full looking after her and keeping their house clean, so mine was permanently in a state. When a friend offered to pop by to perk me up, I replied that the house was too embarrassingly messy. She assured me that she would be coming over to see me. Not to inspect my home.”

Changing our mindset doesn’t mean ignoring the very real difficulties we face—it means recognising where we do have choices, however small, and giving ourselves permission to take them.

8. Explore new hobbies that fit our schedule

We could look to join a class or group, from physical fitness to knitting – see what’s on in our community. Local carers centres often offer free classes.Or we could invite a friend over to join in with a hobby with us, such as painting, baking, or gardening. We could even start our own new group such as a virtual book club. Volunteering is another option which can come with a wealth of benefits. Not only can it help us to feel good helping, but we might learn a new skill and make some new friends. If this appeals, we can contact local charities in our area, or search the 'Do It' website.

9. Avoid negative coping strategies

While thinking about positive changes we can try, it may also be helpful to check in with ourselves to ask if we are using any unhelpful coping strategies to deal with feelings of loneliness.

This might look like regular drinking, taking drugs, binge eating, or avoiding social situations altogether for fear of being confronted with challenging emotions such as missing the relationships we used to have. It’s so easy to slip into unwanted habits without even noticing.

We can find more support on caring and unhealthy habits here.

10. Know when to seek professional support

If loneliness starts to impact our mental health, it might be time to speak to a professional. While it can feel daunting, they are there to help and have expert guidance others in our lives don’t.

Many carer organisations offer counselling services. From befriending services, CBT for loneliness, helplines and counselling, there are a wealth of options to fit our schedule and needs. We just need to take the step to reach out when we need to. 

Closing thoughts

While loneliness is a challenge for many of us, there are opportunities for connection out there. There's no one size fits all or magic fix. But what lies the other side of our effort and behaviour changes is so worth it. By taking small steps to reach out to those around us, we can reconnect with old relationships or create valuable new connections. Even when it feels like it, we are not alone. 

If this has been helpful, we may wish to read how a fellow carer Bryan dealt with feelings of loneliness after his wife went into a care home. We can connect with other carers just like Bryan, who really understand what it’s like, over in the Mobilise Hub.

Want more content like this?

Do sign up for our weekly newsletter 💌 to receive more carers' top tips and hacks - from admin tips for busy carers to the warning signs of carer burnout.