Looking after someone with an addiction can be unlike any other caring role. It is often emotionally complex, isolating, and involves its own unique set of challenges.
Addiction of any kind can hold a real stigma. We may feel judged, or left more unsupported than those in other caring roles. We might struggle with setting boundaries, navigating unpredictable behaviour, or coping with the ups and downs of recovery and relapse. Many of us are left feeling exhausted, alone, and unsure of where to turn for help.
This blog will explore how looking after a family member or friend with an addiction can affect us, and provide practical steps to help us maintain our own wellbeing - while continuing to support them in the best way we can.
If you are caring for someone with an addiction, you are not alone. There are organisations, local support, support groups, and helplines that can offer guidance and reassurance.
Understanding addiction
Addiction is a medical condition that affects the brain’s reward system, making it incredibly difficult for a person to stop using substances or engaging in harmful behaviours. It can lead to drastic changes in their mood, personality, and daily or long-term priorities. For those of us looking after someone struggling with an addiction we can be left feeling like there is a stranger in place of the person we once knew. Or it might be that life with them has always been this way and we long for a time when they can just be our mum, dad, sibling, partner or friend.
People may also present with addictive behaviour as a side effect of other medication or a symptom of another condition. It is always helpful to discuss changes in behaviour with a medical professional.
It’s important to remember that addiction is rarely a choice or a moral failing - it is a chronic condition that requires medical and psychological support.
The impact of addiction on carers
While those in other caring roles may be praised for their dedication in looking after someone in their life, many of us can feel blamed by friends, family, professionals and society - as if by sticking with them we are enabling their condition. Or it might be that their condition is a secret only known within our walls or close circle - which can leave us feeling incredibly isolated and alone.
Looking after someone with an addiction can take a huge emotional and practical toll. While the types of addiction can vary, the challenges faced by those of us caring for someone with an addiction are often universal. We may struggle with:
Emotional strain – Living with guilt, resentment, anger, frustration, sadness, or helplessness can leave us feeling incredibly drained and burnt out. Constantly worrying about their safety, health and personal decisions can take a huge amount of energy, affecting our own mental health and happiness.
Financial pressure – If we need to support them financially, paying for treatments, or managing household finances if they are unable to work, it can create an overwhelming pressure on us. Money may also be spent on their addiction rather than necessities, leaving us struggling to make ends meet.
Safety concerns – Unpredictable behaviour can lead to potential harm for the person we care for, ourselves, or others in the household. We may find ourselves walking on eggshells, constantly assessing risks and trying to prevent dangerous situations from occurring - which is incredibly exhausting and not sustainable. One carer shared, “I had to cancel on seeing my friend as I needed to keep an eye on my mum. She's clearly too drunk to make it to the toilet without another potential broken hip from falling out of her wheelchair - drunk.”
Isolation – Stigma, shame, and the fear of being judged can prevent us from seeking help or speaking to others about what we are going through. We may feel misunderstood or dismissed by those in our lives or service professionals, lacking the same support networks that other caring roles have access to.
While it can be painful, acknowledging these challenges is the first step towards finding the right support and coping strategies. It can also help to remind ourselves we are not alone in this. It is okay to admit that it is hard - because it is. Seeking help does not mean we have failed - it means we are taking care of ourselves too. Which ultimately will leave us in a better position to continue with supporting our cared for - assuming we are willing and able to do so.
Setting boundaries
Learning to set healthy boundaries is crucial for taking care of our own wellbeing and ensuring that our support does not enable harmful behaviour. Setting clear expectations, and boundaries on what we will not stand for, helps both us and the person we care for to identify our what is acceptable behaviour. Otherwise it is very easy for this to slip and get worse over time - leaving us and them in danger.
We may wish to read more tips and support for setting healthy boundaries with the person we care for.
Examples of healthy boundaries
Emotional boundaries: “I will not have a conversation/ discuss this topic when you are intoxicated.”
Financial boundaries: “I cannot give you money, but I can buy your groceries this week.”
Time boundaries: “I am available to support you, but I need Thursday evenings to have some time for myself/ watch my favourite show.”
We also need to be respectful of the boundaries of the person we look after. For examples of helpful things to say, or not say, we may wish to read the Priory’s article, how to help an alcoholic.
Dealing with guilt
Many of us struggle with feelings of guilt when setting boundaries. When we pride ourselves in being supportive, saying no or reclaiming some time to ourselves can leave us feeling that we are a bad person or we are not doing enough. It’s important to remember that boundaries are not about punishment - they are about making sure that we (and the person we look after) stay healthy and safe while still offering support. And that we are not inadvertently enabling any negative behaviours, such as over reliance on us or financially supporting a habit.
It is not our job to ‘fix’ someone with an addiction
One of the hardest parts to accept about caring for someone who has an addiction is that we cannot ‘fix’ them. No amount of care, support, ultimatums, or trying to intervene will make their addiction go away. Recovery is ultimately their responsibility. Addiction is a deeply personal struggle, and a lasting change must come from their own desire and strength to do so - with the support of professionals. Trying to push, or carry someone through the recovery process can actually take away their feelings of confidence and control - making it harder to stick with any positive changes.
Some carers find peace in recognising this truth. As one shared, “The best I can do is reduce the chaos and keep everyone safe.”
Blaming ourselves for someone's addiction, or feeling responsible for their recovery, only adds to our already heavy load. A common saying in addiction support circles is: “You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't help it.” Letting go of the idea that we are responsible can be incredibly freeing.
Instead of trying to ‘fix’ them, we can focus on what is within our control. Keeping the person we care for, ourselves, and others as safe as we are able, and getting professional support involved when it is needed.
Keeping ourselves safe
There are times when our cared-for’s addiction may put them, us, or others at risk. It is essential to recognise warning signs and take appropriate action to protect ourselves or the vulnerable around them - such as elderly or children. If we need support from professionals, or need to seek emergency support, we can find places to turn here.
Warning signs to look out for
Aggressive or violent behaviour
Financial exploitation or manipulation
Emotional manipulation or bullying
Destroying property or belongings
Threats or signs of self-harm or ending their lives
Threats or signs of harm to others
Neglecting their own health to a dangerous extent
Steps we can take to protect ourselves
Have an emergency plan – Identify a safe place to go if a situation becomes dangerous and keep important phone numbers on hand.
Set clear boundaries – Let them know what behaviour you will not tolerate and be prepared to follow through with consequences. This doesn’t come naturally to many of us, but we can find guidance on setting boundaries here.
Strengthen our own resilience and mental health - We might benefit from talking therapy, or finding ways to keep ourselves mentally well and so better able to cope with the toll of caring for someone with an addiction.
Seek outside support – Contact safeguarding organisations, social services, or the police if necessary. See where to turn for help below.
Trust our instincts – If something feels unsafe, know it is always okay to remove ourselves from the situation.
Where to turn for help
For those of us caring for someone with an addiction, there may be times when we are not equipped to deal with the situation ourselves - and it is unsafe to do so. It can be helpful to know that there are dedicated organisations and services that can provide support. If we ever feel unsafe, we should speak to a professional immediately.
If we feel there might be immediate danger to ourselves or someone else we should always phone 999 immediately. If you do not feel safe to speak or answer questions, tapping 55 will alert the policy that you need support and they will be able to find your location.
We should also look into what support our local area has, as this varies across different councils. We can speak to our GP, social prescriber, or local carer support organisation.
Organisational support on addictions
Adfam is the leading charity in England for the millions of people affected by someone else’s drinking, drug use or gambling – https://adfam.org.uk
Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire is for anyone whose life is or has been affected by someone else’s drinking – https://al-anonuk.org.uk
Mind charity mental health support has a helpful guide on Tips to help someone with their drug and alcohol use, including how to look after yourself NACOA is the National Association for Children of Alcoholics – https://nacoa.org.uk The NHS alcohol support - https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/alcohol-advice/alcohol-support/ Turning Point designs and delivers health and social care services, focusing on substance use, mental health support, and learning disabilities - https://www.turning-point.co.uk We may also want to join an online community for carers, such as the Mobilise Hub, for a safe space to share our situation and challenges without fear of being judged.
Seeking help for ourselves is just as important as seeking help for the person we look after. We deserve support, guidance, and a space to share our experiences without judgment. While it can feel scary to take the first step, asking for support can open so many doors for more help.
“I ended up phoning out of hours in tears and they said I needed to let an Adult Social Care worker know I wasn't coping, chatted today and going to catch up Friday. A nurse is coming in the morning and I've got a catch up with my GP on Thursday. I've also started counselling”
Protecting our physical and mental health
It’s all too easy to neglect our own needs when we are focused on supporting someone with an addiction. However, prioritising self-care is essential for maintaining our emotional resilience and physical health. Ever noticed when we feel emotionally burnt out we often also get ill? Our physical and mental health are so connected and we can’t ignore one without impacting the other,
Practical self-care strategies
Ask for help: Speak to family, friends, or reach out to external support such as the examples above to take some of the load off us, or consider counselling or therapy to help deal with the emotional load.
Practising self-compassion: Remind ourselves that we are doing our best and it is a hard situation.
Set healthy boundaries: as explored above
Make time for positive activities: Plan in time for exercise, meditation, or hobbies that bring us joy. These things can regularly drop to the bottom of our to-do list, but are vital for allowing us to reset and let out emotions that can otherwise bottle up and cause longer-term problems such as burnout.
Prioritise our physical health: When we are exhausted and focussing on someone's wellbeing it’s all too easy to turn to unhealthy habits, such as quick meals or snacking in place of balanced meals. But we need good food, quality sleep, and time to move our bodies in order to stay healthy enough to continue looking after someone.
We might find it helpful to take some time to consider what our non-negotiable needs are. Is it eight hours of sleep a night? Time to cook a proper meal each evening? Or fitting in hobbies such as painting, wild swimming, or gardening to reset. To give our lives purpose outside of caring. While some of these things can feel like pipe dreams - thinking about what we need from our lives in order to stay mentally and physically healthy is the first step towards identifying what extra support we need to start making some of them happen. This is our life after all. We deserve to actually live it.
Addiction and trauma
Caring for someone with an addiction can also come with more than its fair share of trauma which can leave us feeling exhausted, numb, or trigger intense emotions or feelings of fear. We might find it helpful to read A carer’s guide for coping with trauma.
Coping with relapse and uncertainty
Relapse is a common part of addiction recovery, and it can be devastating to witness. It is important to remember that relapse does not mean failure—it is often a natural part of the recovery process. Understanding this can help us manage our expectations and emotional response.
How to support without enabling
Offer emotional support, but avoid covering up consequences of their actions
Encourage them to seek professional help - it is not our job to ‘fix’ them
Maintain our own boundaries, even if they relapse
Seek support for ourselves through peer groups or counselling to process our emotions
As we’ve said, we are not responsible for someone else's recovery - we can support them, but ultimately, the choice to seek help is theirs.
“Remember that you are as powerless over the alcoholic, as they are over the alcohol.” - A carer from the community.
Final thoughts & next steps
But we are not alone - there are others who get it, organisations there to help, and people who will listen without judgement. But the first step starts with us.
What small step can we take today to help ourselves:
Join a support group
Set a personal boundary that prioritises our wellbeing
Explore professional support options available
Remind ourselves that our needs matter too - and write down what that looks like
You are doing the best you can in an incredibly difficult situation. Seeking help is not a sign of failure - it is a step towards a healthier, more sustainable future for both us and the person we look after.