Lesley is one of our amazing community of carers on the Mobilise Hub. Here she shares how she has found ways to nurture both her mum, and the parts of herself she wanted to grow.
Lesley has learnt (and is still learning) how to take back her energy and sense of identity from a place of feeling like ‘Just a carer’, and be able to show both her mum and herself compassion.
Caring wasn’t a journey Lesley ventured into lightly. It evolved overtime, and led to her moving back into the family home to support her Mum with dementia as her condition progressed. But it was not an easy transition. And as time went on Lesley realised she had been slowly sliding into a pit that felt harder and harder to get back out of.
“I realised that I had been dabbling in victimhood, martyr-hood, and denial - feeling lost and sorry for myself for some time. I felt resentful about my lack of freedom. I felt resentful about people I didn’t even know, who could leave their house, or go for a walk whenever they wanted. To live their life as they pleased.”
Realising the need for change
Lesley realised that in order to continue to give her mum the level of care she wanted to, she would also need to find ways to look after herself.
“There was nothing else for it but to become more creative and intentional about finding ways to nurture and nourish myself, while still being able to be all that I have to be, and want to be, for Mum. It meant remembering that only I am responsible for myself, nobody else. It was up to me to create what I needed."
“Almost overnight self care became a real thing, instead of this intangible concept. I realised that looking after myself included, as a priority, creating the space for my own personal growth. I realised if I can’t look after myself first, then I can’t show up for Mum in the ways I want to.”
Learning to shift what is in control and let go of what isn’t
A big part of self care for Lesley meant learning to be more mindful about what she did or did not give her energy to. As a starting point this meant finding ways to focus on what was in her control, and what wasn’t.
“I don’t have the energy – mental, emotional, or otherwise – to fight a broken system, so I’m learning to conserve my energy so I have a healthy supply for Mum.”
Rather than being drawn into unwinnable battles with the system, or worrying about the future, focusing on the present moment (good or bad) helped Lesley to conserve her energy. And in time meant she was able to see the beauty in being able to be there in such a “humbling and expansive way” for someone she loved.
“There have been days where it has been truly humbling and a massive privilege to have spent very special and close moments together. We’ve laughed until our sides ached, or cried and consoled each other with love and hugs like never before.”
Sometimes when we start looking after someone pushing aside our feelings can help us to quickly pivot into our new role, this isn't healthy for the long term. Lesley gave herself space and permission to start facing the uncomfortable feelings that had been bottled up since starting her caring journey. And then gently encouraged herself to really feel them.
“It was allowing myself to feel and express every emotion of every high and low that helped me turn a corner. It was about becoming aware of everything that was, or wasn’t, going on. Paying attention to how it was making me feel. Feeling those feelings, and looking at what I could do to create a different experience the next time round.”
As she was able to notice and process the intense emotions that often come with caring, Lesley found she was able to slowly make space for the qualities she wanted to nurture.
“I spent six months getting used to adjusting and readjusting. Learning to become more and more flexible. I left planning behind as life became about being present, pliable, and able to go with the flow. I am still finding patience, kindness, gentleness, humility, acceptance, love, empathy, grace, compassion, commitment, assertiveness, sensitivity, and a strength I didn’t know I had.”
Final thoughts from Lesley
“This is not an easy journey. It is not an easy role. And the biggest thing I’m aware of is something I learned early in this journey – that a person with dementia may not remember what you said but they will remember how you made them feel. I am committed to keeping love at the core of our time together."
As she moves slowly towards the end of her life, it is my role not just to look after Mum and keep her safe, but to allow her the feeling of control over her life wherever I can. Even if that looks different every day, every hour, every minute. It is my role to encourage her to make her own decisions when she feels up to it, and to help her maintain the small amounts of independence she has left.
“By continually looking at myself and taking responsibility for my words, actions, emotions, and behaviours, I am becoming a more compassionate daughter, carer, advocate. And a better human being.”
How can I work on my own mindset?
For those of us feeling inspired by Lesley to find ways to reflect on our own mindsets, and take control of what is within our power to change, we might find the below helpful:
If we’re looking after someone who is coming towards the end of their life we might find some support or comfort in:
Finally, caring is not a journey anyone should have to face alone. Connect with carers just like Lesley over the Mobilise Hub. See you there!